Looking Glass: I don’t believe I asked for a wake-up call, officer

A man under the influence of narcotics put his Tesla on autopilot and fell asleep as the vehicle sped down the Autobahn leaving Bamberg, Germany, toward Bayreuth. When the cops pulled alongside the car, they discovered that was the reason he had refused to obey their commands to stop. The driver woke up 15 minutes into the pursuit and pulled over.

ELEGANT DISGUISE, SIR: Police arrested a “porch pirate” who was wearing a pair of ladies’ panties as a mask as he stole packages that had been delivered to people’s homes in Tulsa, Okla.

DON’T MAKE ME USE THIS!: A man tried to rob a supermarket in Florida, passing a note to an employee demanding money and claiming he had a gun. But all he had was a black stapler. He left empty handed.

A PATTERN IS EMERGING: Responding to a report of someone in distress, police found a woman swimming in a canal in Delray Beach, Fla., but she ignored officers who wanted to help her and climbed into a storm drain, forcing them to pull her out. It was the third time she had to be rescued from a storm drain: once in March, 2021, and two months later in in Grand Prairie, Texas.

WELL, THAT’S A RELIEF: A police officer, who frisked a drunk at a subway station in New York City, felt a long, heavy object going down his leg. It turned out to be a homemade, one-shot rifle.

OF COURSE, WELCOME BACK: A man released after two months in the lockup in Lake Charles, La., threw a rock through the main entrance of Calcasieu Correctional Center so he could go back to jail because he wanted a place to sleep and a meal. The sheriff said, “We quickly made those arrangements for him.”

SO NOW HE’S A STAR: As a buxom bridesmaid in a low-cut gown walked down the aisle, the best man, standing next to the groom, said, “Oh yeah, zoom in on those,” unaware that the groom was wearing a microphone as part of the wedding video. The episode has gone viral on TikTok, and the video has picked up more than 10.8 million views.

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?: A man, playing a video game called Rainbow Six Siege in his home, inadvertently butt-dialed the police, and a 911 operator overheard him saying “I killed two people,” which was actually a harmless comment to his teammates via voice chat. The cops were unaware of that, and showed up on his front porch shortly thereafter.

SO THIS WAS THE LAST STRAW: After a night of drinking in East Baton Rouge, La., a couple came home and passed out on their bed, but the man urinated in his sleep, so the “extremely enraged” woman stabbed him. He survived. The couple had been planning on breaking up anyway.

DON’T WORRY, YOU CAN TRUST ME: A man said he was interested in buying a BMW he saw at a car dealership in Gilbert, Pa., and took it for a test drive. He did not return.